happy mommy :)

after a week of the busy training that i had..(and it was really fucking stressful!)
i realized that i don't even have the time for my kid, usually when i go home after work i will go straight to my bed and then i'll sleep for like 8 hours.
and when i wake up,i'll go back to work. Somehow, i felt guilty because we often talk this past few weeks..we don't have any bonding time.

so i was looking forward to my very first training allowance..
we had this "exclusive date", just mommy and zai
she was really excited, the big smile on her face when she knew,
when i saw her playing around with some other kids in the playground
i felt happy and fulfilled.
happy because my kid really adores me and loves me despite of being the busy mom that i am now.
fulfilled because for the first time i bought her the things that she needs and wants.
and that one whole day that were together, filled the whole week that i'm not around.

and what's the best thing that she said to me was she's really happy because mommy is with her
it touched my heart :)

i pray everyday that all my hopes and dreams for her will come true
and God will take care of everything
i love my daughter very much..
and i'm thankful to have her
she inspires me and loves me unconditionally.

WARNING***

if you're going to fall in love with me, it's only fair to know what you are falling in love with.

you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i'm with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me despite my thinking that it is impossible..

i must say, i am not easy to handle with and i'm really stubborn.
i just need someone who is more stable and who has an open mind to understand me when i screwed up..and that giving up on me will his last option

its been a year..

to be exact of the same year i was so freakin' hopeless and heartbroken..and for the first time in my life i'd never felt that kind of pain... it was really horrible and it was never easy to mend...

it was a big transition for me..it really was! from being "losyang" to ugly-no-more.., from being pathetic and dependent to being wiser,stronger and independent... i appreciated a lot of wonderful things, i became closer to God, i learned to love myself, i gained wonderful friends who really helped me and i thought i can't pass that trial. . yes, i lost him but then it came to a point and i realized that im more thankful now that we didn't end up together.
when i looked back I am proud to say that I am fulfilled with what i achieved.. im not the same person whom i was last year,and that failure is my bestfriend. :D

and here i am today, completely healed..I am thankful to God that i let go of everything..that's life, we really have to move on and hope that the best things will come at the right moment. In God's perfect time
and im lovin' my daughter more and more each day.. maybe, i can't give her a complete family but i'll make sure that mommy's gonna give her all the love in this world..and she'll be more proud that mommy's a grown up :)

everything leaves a mark. but i am so much stronger than i was before

MY LEARNING EXPERIENCE

if there is one thing that i've learned from over this past month, it is what it means to truly loved and be loved. from June 5 to August 4 to be exact of this year was the best time of my life so far. I felt a sense of belongingness, felt that i'm not alone, a sense of security that i had never felt before. I thought I had everything that I'd ever wanted. but it all stopped. I woke up one morning and he's gone.

Love is about acceptance and trust of the person that you have before you.
Love isn't about how you are made from the start. its not about your happily ever after. it's about lasting through all trials and tribulations that come your way and seeing that person is and always will be that person that you've loved from the beginning.

love is not about blaming each other,and who screwed it up..

when you say that you love a person,please mean it. don't just say it or because its what an infatuated state made you think. say it even where you're going through the worst time of your life or seeing that person at the worst state of her life..you do and will always feel the same way. because if you won't, then it is not love that you have.

i accepted the reality that the perfect person i thought was not so perfect at all. .
suffer pain that you can't stand. most run away, giving excuses like, "it wasn't meant to be"..
and that a broken heart can't love anymore: BUT LOVE IS MORE THAN JUST A HAPPY FEELING
ONLY THE BRAVE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

when you love someone, LOVE EVERYTHING. the good. the bad. the unknown.and what it is about to come.

"I love you" is three words thrown around so often. no one should ever say it without knowing it in their hearts that they'll keep saying it for the rest of all time... not only when everything is running smooth..

so hard to figure out

i do not understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. how pictures never change but the people in them do. how your best friend can become your worst enemy, or hows strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. how forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. how you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. how even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. how the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. how people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. how people can erase you from their lives just because it is easier than working things out

majority of the mistakes that i committed in the past was due to my fear of the future. things that could happen and things that wouldn't happen because of whatever i do. im fucking sick and tired of worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. "cross the bridge when you get there right?"

life is a game

you have two options.either you play along or you sit in the bench, watching others play it. if you play along,understand that it is not an easy game. you'll have times when your physically and mentally in great shape, you'll have times when you take a long time finding the pieces on the floor to get yourself together again this will happen to everyone. you'l have a lot of struggles, battle some small..others so big you will feel like giving up. the thing is, you've got to choose your battles, no one fights forever

life is a bit like boxing if you keep throwing punches without thinking, you'll get tired..you won't get anywhere. same thing happens with life. you've got to organize your next move to achieve the next goal. sometimes you have to take risks..sometimes you stay on defense.

every time you get hurt, you improve yourself as a person..you slowly understand
what did and didn't work. well of course it will hurt like fuck...
sometimes the scars, won't always heal. but at the end of the day you will understand that those scars are always a sign that in every battle you face in life you will get hurt, that's something inevitable.
you just have to choose which battles are worth the pain

being strong is the only choice I have

DEAR TUMMY,
Sorry for the butterflies last night,but i swear its not my fault.....


Even though I try
Not to think of you
Every now and then
I admit, I do
And I know
That were gonna meet again
And I wonder how
You will treat me then

And will it be awkward
Or what will I say
Coz we haven't spoken
Since that day

Will you look the same
Will I reconize
That amazing glint
That was in you eyes
Will you show that I'm upset
Will say that I'm not over yet
Will you make some lame excuse to go
Will you say you've got to run to catch a bus
When we'll see each other
After the end of us

Will i want to cry when we finally meet
Will we meet by chance on a crowded street
Will i fall again for your magic charm
Will you have a new girl on your arm

Will you act like you don't know who I am
Will you shake my hand like a business man
Will you smile and say hello
Like we used to smile not long ago
Will you ask me what's been going on
What kind of shallow topics will we discuss
When we'll see each other
After the end of us

Or will i be stronger
Then i knew i could be
Will i be the one
Who's Surprised by me

Will i be alright
Will i be just fine
Or will i've healed this heart of mine
Will i show that i moved on
Will you see the sadness is all gone
Will you be the one in pain
Will i be the one who's feeling fabulous
When we'll see each other
After the end
When we'll see each other
After the end of us



my friend kevin send me that lyrics of KC concepcion's song After the End
sapul talaga, and just when i thought i was ok.. reality just slapped me in the face, that still im not.---defense mechanism, DENIAL
no matter how much i try to deny it..lalo pala naging malala ang lahat!
sana hindi na lang din ako nag punta...kung alam ko lang talaga na pupunta din siya dun, hindi na sana ako sumama..
ayoko kasing pakiramdam sa lahat, yung para bang ang epal ko dun?!
kasi may isang tao na ayaw akong makita tapos andun pa ko??...
hindi ko alam pano na ko kikilos...cause i was not prepared to meet him last night again
reality sucks.
ang sakit pa din pala :(
numbing the pain for a while only makes it worse for when you finally feel it, hurts like hell
at kahit anong tago pa ang gawin ko hindi ko din pala kayang lokohin yung sarili ko na may mali pa din sakin...hindi pa ko ok!
after the peak of my emotions na nakapasa ako ng board at nakahanap ng work, akala ko ok na ko
pero pinarelize sa kin ni Lord yung reality na hindi pa pala!
at ang pinkamasakit sa lahat, yung wala kang magawa kasi hindi mo na pwedeng ayusin pa yung nasira! na kahit ano pang gawin ko, sirang sira na ko sa kanya..na ang sama sama kong tao!!

pinkamabuting gawin ay ang magpakatotoo sa nararamdaman.kung hindi ka pala ok,wag magpanggap na masaya.if it hurts, then acknowledge the pain!wag magpaka plastic, wag mag maganda na ok ka when your not!alam ko lilipas din to.siguro, pinakita lang sakin talaga yung masakit na katotohanan na dapat harapin ko at hindi dapat tinatakbuhan.dahil ako to,ako lang ang nakakaalam kung gano kasakit..pati ba naman sarili ko lolokohin ko pa din?...
pero ang mahalaga, ay yung ngayon. magiging mahirap at masakit pero in the end, all the pain will be worth it.

why does love has so many rules?people will say that love isn't jealous or insecure or selfish or whatever, and that if yours possesses one of these qualities then it isn't real or that you're not loving somebody the right way? they don't know what you've been through or the kind of person you are. the way i see it, everyone loves differently. what it all boils down to is this: do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? because to me, love is just knowing you can wake up next to them and be happy. if you can, then these all definitions and rules that people try to give love don't matter. you have love, hold on to it.
just be who you are and say what you fucking feel, whatever it is! because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

in three words i can sum up everything about life: it goes on.